


and in the bad times I fear myself

by oceanicspirit



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Steve Rogers Feels, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, prepare to cry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-21
Updated: 2019-02-21
Packaged: 2019-11-01 23:48:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17877080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oceanicspirit/pseuds/oceanicspirit
Summary: The aftermath of The Snap takes a toll on Steve. In the end, the world needs Captain America more than ever, and Steve fears he won't be able to pick his shield up anymore.





	and in the bad times I fear myself

**Author's Note:**

> I had promised to write angst for Endgame, so here we are. Title was inspired by "Shallow" the Boyce Avenue cover.  
> Be prepared for tears and feels
> 
> Disclaimer: I claim no ownership of any characters

He finds himself in a support group. He tells himself that he’s doing this for Sam, but mainly he’s doing it for himself…..or so he says.

Thor, Bruce and Rhodey can all see the toll the aftermath of the Snap has taken on Steve. He’s lost Bucky  _ twice _ and now he’s lost Sam as well. 

Steve sits as he hears other people say their piece. They’ve all lost a loved one because of the Snap.

_ Husband _

_ Wife _

_ Brother _

_ Sister _

_ Father _

_ Mother _

_ Children _

_ Friend _

They finally make their way to Steve.

“Captain Rogers is there something you like to share? Perhaps someone you’ve lost?”

Steve clenches his jaw. “No, I have nothing to share.”

The person in charge raises a brow. “Are you sure Captain Rogers? We all know what you’re going through-”

“Do you,” Steve cuts in, “do you know how it feels like to lose your best friend….not once but  _ twice _ ? How it feels to lose your best friend a second time, and the second time you lose him right in front of you…. _ again _ . Not only that but you lose another friend whom is like a  _ brother _ to you.”

The room is silent and everyone puts their head down. No one truly understands the emotions raging in Steve’s heart. So the blonde super soldier gets up and walks out.

*****

Natasha sets her gun down after completely destroying the last target. Her run in with Clint in Tokyo had left her a mess and completely heartbroken. 

_ The kids and Laura are gone Nat. They disappeared right in front of my eyes. _

She couldn’t believe that they were gone. The people that took her in, despite the red in her ledger, and called her one of their own. Laura, a woman who saw how broken she was when Clint first introduced the former Russian spy to his wife. Cooper and Lila broke down the walls she put up and helped her open up to people. And little Nathaniel, how much she adored him. They were all gone. She knew how devastated Clint was when she had found him.

She can feel the tears coming down her face and wipes them away. Her green eyes spot Steve’s figure entering the building. Just like her, Steve is too heartbroken and devastated. 

*****

Natasha enters the suite, she can hear the shower running in the bedroom. Instantly she heads over there and removes her clothes and puts on a robe. She opens the bathroom door and finds Steve standing underneath the shower head. She’s never seen him look so defeated and it’s obvious how much the aftermath had affected him. The way he’s slouched, make him looks like Atlas with the weight of the world on his shoulders. She can see his shoulders trembling a bit, he’s breathing hard, a sign that Steve’s been crying. Her heart aches for the man she loves and it pains her to see him so  _ broken _ . 

“Steve,” her voice calls out to him softly.

Instantly Steve falls on his knees, wraps his arms around her waist and cries into her stomach. Natasha can’t help but hold him and stroke his wet hair. 

“It’s my fault Nat, I….I let everyone down. It’s my fault they’re all gone. Wanda, Sam….Bucky.” He continues to cry, crying about how it’s his own damn fault. 

“You can’t blame yourself for everything. We were all there too Steve. You...you can’t always take responsibility for everything.” 

Steve doesn’t anything except holds her tighter. “I’m tired of losing people I care for Nat.” Natasha just strokes his hair.

They get out of the shower and dry off. Steve puts on a pair of sweats and Natasha wears his navy blue dress shirt and dog tags. The moment they’re under the covers, he pulls her close to him in a tight hold. She understands why he does, he’s afraid he’ll lose her too. 

“I’m afraid Nat,” she looks up at him, “I’m afraid to fight, not as Steve Rogers but as Captain America.” Steve lets out a shaky breath. “You know FRIDAY was telling me that my shield was in the armory. That Tony had kept here all this time and didn’t even bother handing it over to the government.” She can sense the fear in his voice. “I gave that shield up because I chose Bucky over being Captain America, but now….I don’t know if I can pick it up again because the world  _ needs  _ Captain America.”

“Steve,” he looks down at her and she strokes his cheek, “it’s okay to be afraid. Sometimes fear makes us stronger because it gives us the courage to push through.” Natasha understands the fear he’s going through. He’s afraid of letting everyone down again. “You won’t go through any of this alone. Remember what I told you a few years ago?”

Steve nods, “You didn’t want me to be alone.”

“That’s right, I’m here Steve, I’ll always be here for  _ you _ . I will always stay by your side.”

Steve lets out a soft sigh and gently lays his forehead against her own. She can see how much more relaxed he is. The tension leaving his body. 

“I love you so much.”

She smiles and gently kisses him. “I love you too Steve.”


End file.
